By Nate on June 29, 2010
It all started in seventh grade. My friend Greg and I were in his dad’s minivan on our way to a baseball card convention. They were talking about the Texas Rangers while I was off in my own thoughts, contemplating my existence. Suddenly, it came to me! “I want to be a pastor when I grow up!” I blurted out. My friend and his dad were taken aback by my sudden outburst, but they knew I was just a weird kid. “Good for you!” said my friend’s dad. While he might have been placating me at the moment, he would continue to encourage me in that endeavor throughout my life.
What began as a day dream in seventh grade, sprouted roots, stems, and branches in the years to that followed. This past May, I was prepared to leave my job to pursue seminary full time in Chicago, Illinois. However, as the days drew closer, uncertainty sprang up and grew in my heart. Ultimately, I realized that to attend seminary full time in Chicago I would have to take out student loans in the neighborhood of $60,000. While this may seem profitable for more lucrative graduate degrees, I felt that taking out massive student debt in my attempt to become a pastor was not a good idea.
This left me despondent, and in the weeks and months that followed I struggled at my job (which I was fortunate enough to keep) and sought out what God desired of my life. At first I thought I could stay at my current job and attend seminary part time. However, I soon realized that I had neither the financial resources nor the time management discipline to pursue that route. In addition, I wanted to enroll in the Army’s Chaplain Candidate Program, and that required full time enrollment in seminary.
After numerous half-baked ideas (and I appreciate those of you that listened to them), I realized that attending seminary in Orlando, Florida was my only option. Fortunately, my parents still live in Orlando. While I know that every man’s dream (nightmare?) in his late 20s is to move back in with his parents, I can’t turn down the free rent and living expenses while I attend seminary. Going to seminary in Orlando will free me up financially (and thus time wise) to attend seminary full time.
That having been said, my path has been tortuous and God has been in the habit of closing doors. While I still trust and love Him completely, time will tell if this is ultimately His desire for my life…
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
Posted in Academic, Announcements, Christian Walk, Journal Entries
By Nate on June 29, 2010
So after years of allowing my blog to dwindle in the shadows, I’m seeking to revive it and use it as a communication tool. I’m fortunate to have coworkers, friends, and family that care about my well being and that want to stay updated with my life, especially as I make the transition into seminary. In addition, it seems that numerous pastors effectively use blogs as supplements to their ministry. As such, I’m going to give it another try, dust off the old blog, and start typing again.
Posted in Announcements
By Nate on January 28, 2010
“For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” (Philippians 1:21)
Building on my post from yesterday: I’ve known that saying of Paul’s for a long time, but I honestly don’t feel like I understood its true meaning until recently. I’m a man that is rarely alone. Even in an apartment by myself, I am frequently plagued by an overactive mind. I can be sitting in silence (or in noise) and my mind will still be constantly thinking, evaluating, and analyzing everything. I think there’s a saying, “Paralysis by analysis,” and that can frequently be the case in my life.
Combine that with idealism, a longing for a meaningful life, and near impossible standards, and my focus on that verse has largely been a negative one, “To live is to experience sacrifice and suffering like Christ, to die is peace and freedom from thoughts, from expectations, from obligations in paradise.” However, per the “Paradigms” post from yesterday I’ve come to realize that the focus of life is Christ and pleasing him and only him. If Christ is my focus, then I will find my peace and freedom in Christ here on Earth.
Posted in Christian Walk, Musings
By Nate on January 27, 2010
Over my Christmas vacation, I had a long conversation with a good friend about “meaning” in my life, and also how I might invest in people without becoming emotionally dependent on their progress and success. My friend had a bunch of great suggestions that I’ve been mulling over since our conversation, but ultimately I’ve realized that my focus is in the wrong place. As I invest in friends and the people I meet throughout my day, I’ve been looking for meaning and validation in their response, instead I should be looking for those things in God. I know that may sound trite, so let me explain.
When I go to bed at night I frequently think about my actions throughout the day, or the people that I care about. Mostly it’s a combination of the two: How my actions throughout the day (or throughout my life) have affected the people that I care about. All this is fine and good, but it results in me investing too much in people and too little in God. Instead of focusing on how my actions impact people, I should be comparing my actions and my heart against God’s standards. If I’m living up to God’s standards, then I should find validation and success in that regardless of the response of the people around me. That having been said, if I’m successfully living up to God’s standards in heart and deed, then that will definitely have a positive impact on the people in my life. To live is Christ.
Posted in Christian Walk, Musings
By Nate on December 17, 2009
Having a blog since 2002 that has less than 200 posts. Perfectionism is one of my greatest struggles. I have ideals in my mind, and when reality does not live up to my ideals I get discouraged. For instance, I used to spend up to 2 hours working on a 250 word blog entry. It normally only takes me 30 minutes to write the post, but then I’d spend the next hour and a half editing the entry, and it would still never live up to my expectations.
Recently, I’ve started blogging from my iPhone on the Metro during my daily commute. I type the entries in Notes, email them to myself, and then edit them in Word. I feel like my blog posts are so much more concise when I do it this way, mostly because I hate typing on my iPhone. But it also circumvents my perfectionism: editing posts on an iPhone sucks.
However, I also encounter perfectionism in other areas of my life that are not so easily resolved. Perfectionism is the unrealistic expectations I hold myself to, and unrealistic hopes that I sometimes have for my friends and those that I care about. We live in a fallen world, but I have aspirations of perfection, and the chasm between the two can be depression.
Posted in Journal Entries
By Nate on December 16, 2009
According to Jewish tradition, the Sabbath began at sundown the previous evening. In other words, since Saturday is the Sabbath, the observation of Sabbath actually begins on Friday night. A blog I read recently expounded upon this as related to ministry: make sure to get a good night of sleep so you can have the right mindset when you wake up the next morning.
I’m learning more and more that tomorrow begins today, or in some cases tomorrow began yesterday or the day before. As I’m trying to be more diligent I discover that a good night’s sleep and a general plan for the next day are two of the most important aspects of a successful tomorrow. I think “tomorrow begins today” may have to be one of my new year’s resolutions for 2010.
Posted in Christian Walk, Journal Entries
By Nate on December 15, 2009
A hundred years ago, families would make quilts that would tell their stories. Even before that, monks and nuns would weave elaborate tapestries to tell the stories in the Bible. In our modern, consumerist, debt financed culture, I’ve come to realize that receipts are our tapestries, and bank statements our quilts.
As I go through my receipts every month and reconcile them against my statements, I see the way I not only spend my money, but also how I spend my time. $20 for dinner here, $10 for lunch there, $280 for plane tickets to Steamboat Springs, $40 for a video game, 10% to the church, and 0% to savings. As I blog to purge and collect my ideas on paper, my receipts are one true litmus test of my life. May I pray, work, and strive to be more responsible with my time and my money. May I be a good steward of all that God has given me.
Posted in Christian Walk, Journal Entries
By Nate on December 14, 2009
I recently read a post on The Resurgence talking about church planting. This particular post dealt with the issue of burnout in church planters, and the author made an interesting analogy between our lives and food plates. He said some are given gigantic Golden Corral sized buffet plates, while others only receive salad plates, and that those who receive salad plates should not seek to pile buffet sized portions on their plates.
Recently, I’ve felt my plate size diminishing. It’s evident from the posts on this blog that I love to over-pile my plate. Indeed, even yesterday’s post suggests as much. May I remember to keep things in perspective, and prioritize what is important.
An interesting note: The Bible study I lead has been going through 2 Timothy, and the other week we read chapter two. One of my many take aways from that chapter is that I need to prioritize the things we commit to in my life; I can’t commit to everything. It’s awesome how God places so many “coincidences” like that in my life.
Posted in Christian Walk, Journal Entries
By Nate on November 19, 2009
I go to work at dawn, and I come home after sunset. My commute is (mostly) an underground train ride. Combine that with the cloudy weather we’ve been having in DC, and I almost completely forgot what the sun looked like.
Monday, I walked outside and I was literally shocked to see the sun again, it was such a pleasant and surprising feeling. On the days when the sun does shine, I’ve made a point of going into a vacant, westward facing office in our building just to watch the sunset. I only stand there for a minute, but it’s so gratifying to see the sun, and all the colors of the twilight sky. Like the Eminem song, I just want to seize the moment and own it. I want to have that moment with me forever.
I’ve felt that way a lot recently. With the changing foliage, I’ve wanted to seize the colors and keep them with me forever. But it’s not only with nature, it’s moments with friends, and this time in my life in general. But what I’ve come to remember, and much to my dismay, is that we can only carry so much with us in our lives. It’s like I’ve become a memory and activity pack rat, but now it’s time to de-clutter. I still have miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep…
Posted in Journal Entries
By Nate on November 18, 2009
What Dreams May Come, starring Robin Williams and Cuba Gooding Jr. has to be one of my favorite movies of all time. It’s title comes from the Hamlet quote, “For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come?”
However, this post is not about the afterlife, but rather about my current life. It seems my subconscious loves to mock me in dreams while I sleep at night. When life is going well, my mind shows me the memories I miss, or occasionally visions of things I fear. When life is not going well, I dream wonderful dreams of things that could be, or of pleasant times gone by, so that when I wake in the morning I earnestly long to go back to sleep; not because I’m tired, but to escape reality.
All that to say, I had a rough day yesterday, but it ended well. Last night, I dreamed of a person I missed, and my brain was wracked with illogical doubts about what might have happened should I have done something different, or fears about what might be happening now.
Posted in Journal Entries
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